"I like you. I'll gladly sit down and have dinner with you after the race. But when the gun goes off, I pretty much hate you, and I want to stomp your guts out. That's racing." -J Rapp



"the best night of my life.....
...in the most beautiful place on earth"



"It's just one, long, tedious conversation with yourself" -Paula Newby Fraser






"Have faith- trust in the plan - the breakthrough will come. I promise. " Woo




"You can keep going and your legs might hurt for a week or you can quit and your mind will hurt for a lifetime.” -Mark Allen




“The only time you can be brave is when you’re afraid.”


Monday, July 18, 2011

A trip inside my mind on this IM training thing...

Through the miles/hours plugging away getting ready for IM Kona, you can imagine the things that enter your mind---if you have trained for one, you know...but even then, I imagine my mind is "not normal."  I deliberate things from work, problems with the world, my life in general (but very specific parts of it...Jenny, Sophia, family, where we are "at", where we will be 5,10,20,40, 60 years from now...), why the hell I am out here pounding myself into oblivion in the water or on the road, visualizing the race, and the 1,000 of other things like cloud formation, the history of the land I am traveling over---just some "out there" stuff.  Last year, training for IMAZ was new, fresh, exciting, a "bet" with myself to see how far I could go.  Nowadays, there are times when I struggle with my reason for why I do this.  It is a totally selfish thing to do when you have a loving wife, a beautiful 3 year old daughter, a son on the way---when I'm riding dizzy, pulling over to the side of the road to "lose my stomach"...my reason is seriously challenged.  Last week when Jenny, Sophia, and Elaina had to come pick me up, I remember telling her that Kona for 2012, if I qualify at IMAZ 2011, will probably not happen.  The side note there is I do not know what Kona 2011 will mean, and if I will feel the need to go back and really leave it all out there as this time I am looking to have a solid day, but I need to finish.  Pushing the limit the first time could set me up for a psychological meltdown if the day is not according to what I "plan" to experience...hence the "have a solid day" versus "PR or ER."  I have regained my marbles from that horrid ride last week, feel strong, and still have Kona 2012 on the radar screen---but again it will be one of those selfish journeys if I do so.  I love my family with everything I have and receive unconditional love and support from them through this journey--so much so that my selfishness stares me in the face during some workouts, and it simply takes some of that joy away from the challenge in front of me.  2012 could be a great family experience, so I am not ruling it out---it will be a family decision for sure though ;-)

That was kind of a ramble, but this entry is a bit about my psyche---the battle with training for IM and how it effects me and while it is part of my daily life, it interferes with the "norm."  Going back to the training for IMAZ 2010, it was tough---I was in a deep haze most of the 16 weeks before the race, whether it was from back to back HUGE training days, 24+ hour weeks of build training.  It WAS new, and exciting, and now it is not only NOT new, it's hotter, and the stakes are definitely higher.  Back then I was this local tri guy who no one knew--no race results, no Kona slot.  Nothing has really changed (well, the magazine, and the Kona slot did), but the training ups and downs affect me different.  I remember training rides last year where I was not at the "front of the pack," and that was fine by me....now, I expect more I guess, and when I am not "killing the workout" and am more worried about survival than having any speed at all,  I get a bit stressed (nicest way of saying it).  The doubts creep in, the "can I really do this" becomes front and center.  Bottom line is, I know I can---and luckily, this is only happening on the bike.  My swim is as good as it has ever been, and my run is my "weapon."  I guess when you get to a certain point in this sport you realize that you are what you are, and the bike is not my "weapon" and never will be (if I had to choose, I would choose run at least!).  So if you are one of those who read this and are beating me on a ride---be nice, it's not's my fault I am slower than you---I am working my tail off to keep up with you, but you are better, and I welcome a run with you anytime ;-)  I think I am just exposing my true weaknesses here---the commitment and how it weighs on me, and the bike.  And Kenny, if you are reading this, it's not directed at you at all!!  Riding with you shows me the potential someone can have on the bike---something I can't possess!  I'm okay with that, just to let you all know ;-)

 This entry I think is all about prepping me for the big blocks to come---this is an "off" week---16+ hours of training---the big stuff is coming and I can feel it.  Thankfully the weather has cooled a bit to the 100-105 range, but I still plan on heading to Flagstaff or somewhere else on the Rim for some training.  I think I am going to chronicle the entire prep for Kona on here starting next monday---it may be ridiculously boring for some, so just don't read it then ;-)

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